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Max, when is my hooman gonna STAHP sleepin fru da nite? She like sevven in cat years, and I dont kno how much longer i can stand stayin awake all day when she not at werk. Wen my sisfur Spider was alife, she stayd up all owrs wiff hooman. I’m not a “day” person. It get BOORRING at 3 a.m. wen she sleep! And she get mad if i put a claw in her eye to remind her it time to hang out. Wut do I doo? Fanks, Gracie

Dood. I have bad news for you. My people are like 62 million in cat years and they STILL sleep through the night. Or day…the Man sometimes works at night. You’re going to have to find a nice hobby to fill the hours while she sleeps.

May I suggest opera? It takes a lot of practice to sing it well, but the result is worth it. Some of the best places in the house are the hallway right outside the bedroom door—the acoustics are perfect and you’re out of range of having things thrown at you—and the bathroom, because it echoes quite nicely. If you practice loudly, I bet she even gets up to listen. People love cats that sing.

If opera isn’t your thing, then perhaps Death Metal. It’s quite the rage right now. All the cool kids are doing it. Yep.

hay max we herd its yer moms birthday! Duz that meen u git stake????? Can I come over? (Hope yer mom feels good enuf for a good berthday pawty!)

I get steak every day! Come on over, there’s enough to share.

(hehe i furgot to ask my question….) Max, don’t you think it is speciest that they had a man human as Dr Who, a girl human as Dr Who, but NO CAT?????? Will that change in our lifetime?

Oh, it’s total speciism, but I’m not gonna complain because the new lady Doctor is awesome and I can’t wait to see her. And I’m not holding my breath that there will be a Cat Doctor in my lifetime, mostly because I’m old and who knows how long it’ll be until the next one?

Hopefully there will be one in yours. It’d be about frickin’ time, for sure.

Dear Max, Frank sometimes puts his paw in the food bowl when he’s eating. Is there something wrong?    Steve L.

He’s just checking the food level and is probably disappointed that it’s not more. Some kitties like to sip their paws in and lick food and water from their own fur, some like to stir it around, But mostly, it’s crushing disappointment that the bowl is not bottomless.

MAX I WAS ASSURED THAT THE STICKY PEOPLE WOULD GO BACK TO SCHOOL SOON BUT THEY’RE STILL HERE AND I’VE BEEN INFORMED THAT WE ARE “HOMESCHOOLING.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???

It means you’re doomed, dood. You might as well find a comfy spot in the back of the closet,’cuz those kids are gonna be there all day, every day, for the rest of your life.

Have fun!

Max, I’m jonesing for some new Wick. When’s the next one coming out?

This week…keep your eyes peeled for “Jump.” Or my blog. I’ll post on my blog and FB page when it hits Amazon and other online retailers.

Max, the Tall Guy and the Other Tall Guy are going to ride their bikes across Ireland next year, but I am not invited. Why not? I like the great outdoors and I would fit nicely in a basket.

Dood. You really Do Not Want to go on a bike trip with two grown men. Grown men on a bike trip aren’t gonna shower every day, and they will STINK by the third or fourth day. Also, there are no litter boxes on a bike trip, and most importantly, no real live fresh dead treats. The closest you’d get is a bug or two, and those just aren’t tasty treats.

Stay home with the Mom and suck up to her. She’ll be lonely and if you pay lots of attention to her, she’ll probably give you some premium noms.

Maybe even steak. Or shrimp! Dood, I hope you get some shrimp.

Dang. Now I want shrimp.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured